Secret Royalty On Tour

 Today’s dispatch from Laos comes to you live from a series of signs that briefly convinced my amygdala I was in grave danger until it turned out I am absolutely fine.

First up: Food is strictly prohibited in this area.
Fair. Reasonable. We don’t have to eat everywhere do we?
But I still felt strangely scolded, like someone thought I might suddenly whip out a goat’s cheese and tomato baguette.

Then: Tourists can relax but do not make loud noises.
So relax but very quietly please.
Like a Victorian teenager awaiting his inheritance.
Or a four year old cutting off her little brother’s hair.

And my personal favourite from the mountain path: People with heart disease are prohibited.
Not discouraged. Not advised against.
PROHIBITED.
Laos says absolutely not Brenda. Turn around.

Next: People with diseases such as asthma high blood pressure Do not go up.
Love the specificity. Love the energy.
Love the commitment to keeping those shambolic stone steps entirely free of inhalers.

And finally: An old man whose health is not strong must not climb up.
Just the old men apparently. Women unclear.
Vaguely middle aged probably fine.
But the elderly gentlemen of the world? Don’t even think about it Norman.

In summary:
Laos is stunning, serene, spiritual
and extremely invested in screening out the faint of heart.

The upside?
I appear to have passed every medical, respiratory and behavioural requirement posted in this country to date.
I have never been so officially deemed vigorous, robust and quietly relaxed.
Something’s working.